INTJ and more.

It has been a long while since I posted.

The world has continuously turned to shit in so many ways.

Politically.. it is ridiculous. All of these people acting a fool because their “chosen one” didn’t win.. or DID! I am just sick of it all. I can’t even watch the news without rolling my eyes at the idiocy all over the country much less all of the turmoil and lack of intelligence all over the world…

I have had my own issues to deal with recently… well… It has been building for many years.  I have been diagnosed with major depression and traumatic PTSD from my childhood.

I have started taking meds which seem to be helping slowly and seeing a therapist… Which has been the greatest decision in my treatment. I am working through my problems and figuring out who I am and who I am meant to be..

I have done a lot of self-analysis….I have not only done a couple of DNA tests for ancestry and genealogy, I have taken personality tests.

The one that has made the biggest impression on me is the Myers Briggs Personality Test.

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

It has opened my eyes to a lot of “deficiencies” that I thought I had…

Turns out, I am just an INTJ-T. The struggles in my life became clear when I found out what personalities my parents and siblings got as a result.

My brother and I, who are introverts, grew up in a family of extroverts. With 5 kids in the family, we were clearly outnumbered. He tested as an INFJ-A.

We are both the rarest of our types. How very lucky for us…(eyes rolling.)

I like that I am an INTJ. But, that is not the cookie cutter mold I fit in. I am so much more.

I have most of the traits of a typical INTJ, but I have also grown through some of them too. Growing up in the house I did and then becoming a wife and stay-at-home mom, I had to go out of my comfort zone to be the best mom and wife I could be. I always wanted a career, not necessarily the whole wife and mother bit… more wife than mother but still… It was not my top priority.

Being a Mom has made me grow and experience life in ways that I never realized could be good for me. But it does and it is. I have more pride in my ability to be a top-notch, loving, and accepting mother than I think I would have had I gone for that career.

My kids tested as ENTP, INFJ, and ISTJ… and the spouse? He is the loving nurturing kind… a true ISFJ! We could not have been more perfect for each other if someone had set us up….according to our personality types.. lol

I am more than my results… I am more than my ancestry….I am more than my depression and PTSD… I am more than an INTJ…

I am more because I am all of these…and then some…

 

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Readjusting Our Focus

There seems to be a lot of talk about “taking care of our own first.”

A LOT of talk.. and memes… and excuses…

Why is it when we see the government doing something, or spending money, on something that we don’t agree with is this the fall back and go to?

Homeless veterans, homeless children, poverty in the inner cities, Flint, MI water issue..etc…

homeless vet meme.jpgBUT, why hasn’t that already been fixed? Why?

Because we don’t demand it! That is why! 

Where are the marches for that? Where is the outrage? Where is the charity? Where are the letters to our congressmen/women or representatives?

Why are we a nation of “What about the (veterans/poor/children..etc)?”

I don’t care which political affiliation it is.. There is always an excuse or a “What about….?”... Or .. “We could spend the money (_____) instead… “

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Now, don’t get me wrong.. I do think that we should monitor our borders and those entering our country as they enter… WE SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS had some measure of that once we became the 50 states of the United States of America…. An official nation.. with laws, regulations, a military, a constitution, an established government… etc..

EVERY established country has their own set of regulations and laws. They have their own requirements for visitors and immigrants that want to move into their country permanently. As they should and is their right.

As Americans, we should want to know that our home is safe(r) with all of that in place. We should want there to be a way to allow productive future citizens to enter our country… safely.. Not just for us, but for them as well. There should be programs to help them acclimate to our society. But they need to do it the legal way… no matter what the legal way, for our time, may be. Those ways HAVE changed with the needs and laws throughout the years. It is always wise to be educated on the history of a law or regulation. What may have worked before, may not work now. How do we know that it doesn’t/does work? We don’t until we try. We as a nation need to realize that.

The fear of the unknown causes so much turmoil. 

On the flip side… The road to Hell is paved with good intentions… 

And that leads me back to my initial point… We need to make a real change or demand a real change that benefits those that need help.. The homeless, the poor, the inner cities, those with pollution problems…

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How can we do that if we are always focused on what the media wants? Why do we get so stirred up over MEMES but not the actual issue? We can clearly see and know that there is an issue, but we focus on the wrong things…

Can’t we all just stop listening to them and start writing those letters and emails? Can’t we DEMAND that these issues be fixed?

Lets fix this country first. Let’s make it so good that the “What abouts?” aren’t even a possible excuse….Then welcome those that want to help.

Let’s make America REALLY great… our way.

We CAN do it..

 

Faux Patriotism..

I am going to get on my soapbox for a few minutes…

I have a problem with people using the men and women of the military to forward their agenda or cause. I have a problem when people who have never signed on the dotted line, presume to know anything about the military or the military lifestyle. I also have a problem with faux patriotism.

I know people who talk about having patriotism and claim to be a part of the military way of thinking, yet NEVER signed up. I know people who had actual family members as close as their own siblings or their own child, who never supported that sibling’s or child’s choice, looked down on them, and never once thanked them for their service. Most of the time they act like that person didn’t even serve… Yet… They claim to be in full support of the military.. Pa-lease!!!

As someone who has served, has a husband that served and has a son currently serving, it angers me to no end.

How about if you don’t have a DD214, never put on the uniform, or even bothered to support those that did, you just leave the military and any backing out of your non-military cause or agenda.

Stop speaking for those that served.

Don’t assume that you know ANYTHING about it.

Don’t use the military men and women to represent your religion.

Don’t use the military men and women to represent your political party.

Don’t use the military men and women to back your hate.

Don’t  use the military men and women as a tool to represent anything that is NOT military based… Period!

Don’t be a poser either! Don’t wear military uniforms that you didn’t earn.

Don’t act like at one time that you were part of the military to make others think that you are tough. It is pathetic.

On a side note–Don’t go to military social media sites and try to tell veterans and active duty people how to talk to each other. They have a brotherhood/ sisterhood that you can not even understand.

Don’t attack or talk bad about them on said sites unless you want to get told where you can stick it. They will join together and defend their brother or sister. If you can’t handle “dirty words” and crude talk, go to the “rainbows and sunshine” type sites. Really!  Find something else to do.

Don’t be a poser or troll.

AND Don’t think that others in the military and veterans can’t see it…

All of the faux patriotism.

 

 

 

Gentle, Ladies.

After the “Women’s March” last Saturday, the feelings of so many women have been center stage on social media. It has been no different for me.

I started out shocked….shocked that so many of these women seemed to be spouting hate and adding to our country’s divide under the guise of marching for equality and women’s issues. It sickened me.

Then it turned into anger.. for the same reasons.

I also battled with a tiny moment of jealousy. Why jealousy? Well, it seemed that so many people I knew were there. They had been informed of the march. I had not heard even the slightest peep. Not from one of my “friends.”…Not one. I was a little jealous that so many of my gender gathered toward a cause. They made a historic mark.. Even if it was a tainted mark. There was a  moment when you could grasp and envision what sisterhood should be.. except for all of that hate, vagina wearing, and president bashing, of course.

Then.. I thought about it.. I was actually glad that I wasn’t there. If I had gone to DC to march for a cause and was confronted with all of the rest, I would have been livid. Not just because I would have felt duped but because I would have been embarrassed.. Embarrassed to be a part of such a spectacle.

Since then, I have swung back and forth with my emotions on the issue. Anger.. disgust.. disbelief.. and finally.. I have had enough! These women!  THESE WOMEN! Someone needs to give these women a little reality check!

They are so delusional that they don’t even see that they are setting women back…way back!

This has done nothing to further lift women. Nothing. They have proven that women have gone past the point of “entitlement”… It isn’t even equality anymore.. It is the pursuit of despotism for female kind.

[Despotism: /ˈdespəˌtizəm/
noun: meaning
-the exercise of absolute power, especially in a cruel and oppressive way.
“the King’s arbitrary despotism”
-a country or political system where the ruler holds absolute power.]
Why do I say this? Let’s look at the facts… Our grandmothers marched for equality and the right to vote. Our grandmothers and mothers demanded it in education, the military, the workplace, the home… And … We nearly have it… the only issue that I still see is in the workplace.. Not in treatment, but in pay. Of course, if any woman wants to see what “equal” pay looks like, join the military. I can tell you that they don’t care what you have between your legs.. Pay goes by rank. The military is an interesting conundrum when it comes to true equality for women..but, I digress..

Women in the US have it so good. SO GOOD! We get to demand equality while still being treated like a queen.(by the right significant other) Women get to pursue their dreams, have a career, obtain the highest degrees in education, stay at home to raise their children, hold political positions, run their own companies, buy land, build their own homes, own a gun, drive a car, wear whatever they want, be tough, be soft, be brave, be bold, be gentle, speak their minds.. We can become ANYTHING we want. ANYTHING!!

The problem with so many women today is that they have tainted the true meaning of Feminism.. A Feminist is supposed to want equality with a man. on EVERY level. Period. The same rights, abilities, chances, pay, opportunities, treatment..etc… EQUALITY!

But.. that isn’t really how it is, is it? So many women today have taken advantage of the opportunity to go past “equality” and go straight into despotism. Men hating.. Men bashing.. trying to oppress men.. (not to mention other women..) It is almost an “every man, or woman, for themselves” mentality… Just as long as the woman has more…that is..

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I LIKE being treated like a QUEEN and I am not trying to mess that up! I feel like I have a feminist’s life. I CHOSE to stay home with my children. Day care costs exceeded my individual income. I could have pursued a career when the kids were older. I know that our finances would be better if I had. But, because I am a woman. I got to choose. I did choose to have small jobs here and there, but nothing full-time so that I could be home when my kids were home. My husband was not afforded such a choice. Someone needed to bring in an income for our family. He had more marketable skills, so it was him. His training in the Army and his college degrees gave him the skills to obtain his current job.

(Warning.. sappy moment ahead.. ) And..this man comes home to his family and all he wants to do is make ME happy. Really! I feel guilty sometimes and fortunate the rest of the time. He expects nothing from me…. Yeah, I know how lucky I am…

I think about all of the women today. They expect men to be gentlemen on dates(and at home), demand respect, want the man to pay them compliments, pay the bills, treat them like a lady… without treating them like they are weak…Women want to be able to be sexual creatures without judgement. They expect men to be strong, intelligent, sweet(but not too sweet), romantic, tough, confident, responsible, compassionate, humorous and/or any other unrealistic expectation. Men must jump through hoops for women. They must not complain about it either. They must be grateful to have the opportunity to have that woman in their life.

This is beginning to sound like those articles in the first half of the 20th century directed at women on how to “treat and keep a man happy.”

What happened to just being equal? When did the tide shift and no one notice?  Well, men didn’t notice… but they feel it. I am sure.

You know the old saying, “Happy wife, happy life?” How about, “If Momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy?”

Sounds tyrannical, doesn’t it?

The men of society today are quickly becoming subservient to women… (God help us when they decide to push back.)

These marches will accomplish something, I fear. It will tell the men of the world that it may be time to “put the little lady back in the kitchen.”

Have the women of this country forgotten that, politically, it is still dominated by men? Have they forgotten or become oblivious to the rest of the world’s treatment of women?  Do they not realize that sometimes, women have to pick their battles? ..and maybe in those battles they are doing nothing but “shooting themselves in the foot?” They are playing with fire. …. I don’t want to get burned by THEIR actions.

Women are supposed to be the smart ones. We learn how to find solutions to issues and problems with our minds at an early age because we are discouraged to solve those problems with physicality or brawn.

They need to stop before they ruin the good thing that they can’t even see that they have in this country. They need to be smarter!

There are real and serious issues for women in other countries. REAL problems. These women probably had NO idea that there was a march… about problems(?)… that the women in the UNITED STATES face(?)…. that are serious enough for hundreds of thousand of women to take to the streets and protest(?)…. It must have been overlooked because they were dealing with actual oppression and horrible treatment..

I want NOTHING to do with the “Women’s March.” I want no affiliation or connection to it.. I see absolutely nothing wrong with wanting proper health care, equality for all, protecting the Earth and boosting the arts… But…Let’s face it.. the majority of the women out there were there to protest that the President of the United States is INDEED the President of the United States. They were there to protest his words spoken before becoming president…(before becoming “The Donald,” really..) They were there to protest his stance on many issues.. or so they claimed.. Or were they protesting that the President was a MAN? Think about it… If there is ONE woman that hasn’t had “locker room” type talk with her girlfriends, let her stand and be recognized. Only she can condemn any man for doing such a thing..  Really..(the sounds of women taking a seat..everywhere..)

I, for one, like being treated like a QUEEN. I like being a woman in the U.S. I like that my husband likes to cook for me. I like that he likes to make me coffee. I like that he wants to please me.(I probably like it too much)..I like treating him like a man.. MY MAN!..Like the KING that he is to me… I like that I never have to question if I am equal in my marriage or home. Matter of fact, I have the better end of the deal in my opinion. I don’t want that to change.

I want my daughter to have the chance to find someone that is equally enamored with her as her dad is with me. I want my son to find a woman that recognizes that he is her equal. I want that same woman to have the opportunity to be treated like a queen so she will treat him like a king.. Not lesser than she….

It IS possible… for now.

In Pursuit of a Dream

The last 4 months have been amazing!!

In that time I have started ACTING!!

Since I was a little girl, I would watch award shows, movies, TV shows, and read magazines about celebrities… all with a sense of wonder and a mind that would imagine that I was a character or actress. I have always imagined a world where I could pretend to be someone else. I would long to inspire through film…. to have people imagine to be me(or my character). I longed  to see my face on magazines and on the big screen.. to see my name in lights..

Sadly, I was so insecure and scared to show the real me that I came off as shy. I have thought about it over the years. I always thought that I was just “too shy” to act. But as the years have gone by, I have discovered that that isn’t the whole truth. The “shyness” came because of my insecurities and lack of support. By that I mean that my parents were poor and needless to say, my dreams weren’t a priority to them. I wanted to dance and act and sing!! I wanted to be a well-rounded “Artist.”

I did what I could. I joined the band, did arts and crafts, sang in the church choir, acted in church productions, would draw all the time. I went to a very small school. No drama club.. No art classes… no chorus or show choir.. Only band until my senior year when we finally got a dance team! So that is what I did.

When I went to college, I was able to be in the college band, the college dance team, and my favorite, the college show choir.

Then… things took a detour…

US Air Force… marriage…children…

Once again, l wasn’t pursuing my childhood dream. I felt that my children were more important. I was right. I honestly thought that that dream was over.

Then… my daughter decided in her junior year of high school that she wanted to act. It made me wonder what happened to my dream?

I couldn’t let my daughter end up looking back after 20 years and wonder the same thing.

I wanted her to stay focused and finish high school first. But, the minute she graduated she had her first lead role in an independent film..

At the last minute, I got a role in the film playing her mom.. go figure.

Then we both got cast as extras in a major motion picture directed by a big name director.

I got to see what it would be like for a couple of days. I got to see what big stars do, and the crew, and the director, the casting directors, the food service, the stand ins… all of it! I was completely amazed and had a new found appreciation for it all.

It made me think that my dream was still there…. waiting for me to pursue it.

I have now done a short film and did my first real audition for a bigger part in a movie. I nailed the audition and will have a small role in the film. I wasn’t expecting a lead role as the leads are college students… my dream may be from my childhood, but my body definitely isn’t.. I could never pass for that age.. that is just reality.

It will be my 4th acting experience in 4 months.. when it films in the summer of 2016, I will add it to my resume.. hopefully I will have a few more things to add by then..

Until then I will continue my other and relatively new career in photography.(another unexpected love)

Check out my work on Instagram @melanieamackerphotography or melanie7252

I also have a photography website on wix.

http://mahmleomom.wix.com/melanie-amacker

What A Year!

Well, it has been a while since I have written.

It has been a crazy, awful, wonderful, amazing, disappointing year.

My family has gone through so much this year. My son flunked out of college. His first year away from home…he wasn’t mature enough to be on his own. As a parent I wanted to solve all of his problems, yet I wanted him to learn a life lesson on his own. He was paying for his own college, sort of. We gave him an allowance so that he wouldn’t have to get a job and could focus on his studies…

Yeah, we are suckers! He pulled the wool over our eyes… I guess we were learning a life lesson of our own.

He came home after his failed endeavor. He lazied around for a month until he realized that we weren’t going to continue giving him an allowance to fail.

He got a job…after 4 months..Just in time to join the Navy!! Yep!  My little slackers is about to make something of himself.

My daughter has been my achiever… She entered a talent show to showcase her dancing abilities. My shy daughter…coming out of her comfort zone. She also went from an injured soccer player who had an ACL replacement to a recruited player into an elite soccer club! Not to brag, but she has also been in 2 plays, maintained a high GPA 3.7-4.08, made the high school soccer team, and is currently applying to schools for acting and film…

We will see how her future unfolds…

My baby boy is still being homeschooled thanks to our horrible history at the local middle school and its problem with bullies. He has played soccer and has become ensnared into the trap of video games and anime…. Such is the life of a 13 year old.

My husband and I have struggled continuously with financial problems. We were just getting our head above the water when life interfered, as it does. In the last few months, we have had a really difficult go. It is so bad at the moment that we have zero presents under our tree.

Thank God I bought an artificial tree a couple of years ago…or we wouldn’t have one.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but man, it is tiny.

My health has gotten much better since my gastric bypass a year ago..80 lbs off-better!

My poor husband on the other hand has probably gained 30 pounds… Stress will do that.

I can NOT wait for this year to be over.

I can see the great things in store for us on the horizon.

My son graduating Basic Training..

My daughter graduating High School…

And my husband graduating College!!!

3 in ONE year!!

A new beginning for us all.

Merry Christmas

And

A HAPPY New Year!!

6 months later

It has been 6 months since my weight loss surgery.

I now weigh 182.6!
I started this entire process about a year ago at 260 lbs.
I am completely amazed at my progress.
The journey has had its ups and downs in every way, but it was a good decision for me.
I have excess skin that will eventually be removed. Thank God
My sex life is hotter than ever…. Let me say it was never cold, but now… It is white hot. I know it is because I am more confident in part, but I believe it is also the way I look. I haven’t been this weight since 1996! It feels amazing!!
I am lucky too that I have always used lotion on my skin after I shower as well as a sunblock/lotion on my face morning and night. I believe it has helped me to maintain my more youthful appearance.

I am enjoying the new me (or the return of the me I knew was buried under a bunch of fat)
There is always consequences for our decisions and choices… This one has had many… Mostly good.
Now if only I could find out what I would do if I won the lottery…

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Last Meal And Testiment

Tonight is the last night that I get to….eat real food. I will start the dreaded liquid diet tomorrow. It will be the last requirement before my weight loss surgery.

So…. Tonight I feast.
I get my last meal.

Yes, it is kind of like I will be put to death tonight. This old body, this obese body, this aching, sweating, tired body is having its last day on this earth. It deserves a decent meal to go out on.

I decided on ribeye steak, baked potato and side salad.

It was delicious. A fitting last meal.

I have to thank this body for making me a better person.
It has made me more humble. It calmed my ego. It gave me 3 beautiful children, kept my husband happy, (😉) and saved me money. (I don’t like buying, let alone trying on, fat girl clothes)

Now it is time to say Goodbye! I do thank you, my obese body, but I will not miss you.

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#gastricbypass #liquiddiet #weightlosssurgery #WLS

Back On Track

I have been absent for a while, I know. I just haven’t had the energy to blog. With the Government Shutdown, breaking my ankle, and dealing with my son’s homeschooling, I was a bit preoccupied.

I am forcing myself to get back to writing today.

There is one month remaining until my surgery. My date is set for November 21st. All of my prerequisite appointments were completed by September 13th and within 2 weeks they had me completely cleared to start the pre-op process. Unfortunately I have to wait a month and a half because my doctor likes to take “extra time” with those having a revision. This makes no sense to me. It should actually be easier. I have done this before. I know what to expect with the incisions and recovery. But, there is nothing I can do but wait, wait, wait. Patience has never been one of my strengths.

I am really looking forward to 2014. I am so antsy sometimes. I think about the things that I really want to be able to do.
Everything from wearing gorgeous clothes that express my personality to wrapping a regular towel all the way around my body after a shower and tucking it in like I did when I was thinner. I want to paint my toenails without feeling out of breath. Hell, just reaching them with ease will be a plus. I want to wear my wedding ring again. So many simple pleasures that you just can’t do as a heavy girl.
I can’t say that I have enjoyed being a big girl. No, it is not something I think any larger person would say….That if they had the choice, they would prefer being big. It has too many challenges, too many prejudices, too many health concerns. I can say that it can make you humble, compassionate, sympathetic, defensive, sensitive, and more mature about life. All are lessons that should be learned.
Being overweight for so long can help you grow as a person if it doesn’t make you bitter or jealous toward others. It definitely isn’t for everyone.
I suggest finding another way, for sure.

I anticipate saying goodbye to the big me and saying hello again to the real me. The new and improved me! The wiser me! I will be forever thankful to the larger me but I won’t miss her. (Hopefully)

Staying Humble

Is there some kind of force out there that really does make sure that we stay humble?

I have always believed this to be true on some level.
For example…
If someone is beautiful, by all social standards, they are usually not blessed with great intellect or artistic talent.
If someone is highly intelligent they may not be beautiful.
If a person is all three, (beautiful intelligent and talented) they have a horrible family life or some illness that robs them of success….

You get my drift.

I have great talent, intellect, and am not considered ugly…
Yet, I wear glasses, have a gap in my front teeth and am overweight….for now anyway.

I will be taking care of the weight issue soon and plan on fixing the teeth and get contacts….I have 3 wonderful kids and a husband that says that he loves me….

So, what will keep me humble?

I hope that my marriage can withstand my new found confidence.
I was a somewhat damaged girl when I met my husband, but have since grown into a strong willed woman.
I hope that my husband will welcome the new me as much as he has nurtured the old one.

It seems that the older we get and the longer we are married, the less we put up with from each other..
We call each other out when we are being a “dick” or a “witch”.
I imagine there are going to be some times when he will wonder what happened to me….
What I will try to explain to him is that I have held captive, inside this disgusting fat suit, the confident, fun, adventurous, happy person he is about to meet. I will not lose my current personality. It will just be enhanced by the newly freed one.

It shouldn’t be so hard to handle….I was a beautifully thin and somewhat confidant person when we met and married.

I want to remain humble in my life…. I don’t want to ruin the lessons I have learned throughout my life…
But I feel that something will have to give…..
I just hope it is something I can live without … :-/